I’m gonna get this out of the way right now: Paranormal Activity 3 did not scare me. Sure, I was startled by the jump scares – which is a cheap thrill and nothing more – but the content itself didn’t really freak me out like “Let Me In” or “The Strangers” did. What these movies did right was they introduced something that could actually happen, such as someone hiding in your back seat waiting to murder you. PA3, however, needed to outdo itself since normal ghosts terrorizing upper class suburban homes just isn’t enough anymore. The result is so over-the-top that I found myself laughing more than screaming (which is more than I can say for other people in the audience).
The “story” this time around is actually kind of multi-layered. The first five minutes shows an expecting couple as they tour their (surprise!) upper class suburban home. In the ensuing avalanche of terrible acting the sister then joins the fray bringing stuff from their dead mother’s home including a box of old video tapes that neither of them remember. By the next scene someone has broken in and stolen only the box of tapes, leaving the couple and audience confused. I’m gonna be honest here, I have absolutely no clue what the point of this whole beginning part is. They never revisit it later, and if the box of tapes got stolen how were they able to splice together the rest of the movie? But don’t worry, the rest of the movie makes about as much sense.
The second layer of this ghoulish parfait is a flashback to a simpler time known as the 1980s. At this point the movie follows the parents of the two sisters shown in the beginning who live in the least 80s-looking house I’ve ever seen. It starts with a birthday party for the older daughter, Kristi. After that the husband continues filming random things because otherwise there wouldn’t be a movie, now would there? After an extremely awkward attempt at making a sex tape an earthquake happens in order to save the audience from watching two people wriggle around on each other. But what’s that? There’s some dust floating in the air next to the bed as if IT IS ON SOME SORT OF GHOST! Because…..ghosts are…..solid? I realize that there is no set “rules” for ghosts/spirits/poltergeists/what have you, but I feel as though it’s one of those unspoken rules. Like vampires dying when exposed to sunlight. Oh wait……
Cheap Twilight jabs aside, after this point the stepfather Dennis, with the help of his gruff beard and stoner sidekick Randy, decides to set up cameras around the house to capture all this paranormal activity going on. In other words, it’s the same as the last two movies but with retro-looking cameras, including fan-camera which is literally a camera placed on a rotating fan base so it can observe an entire room. Needless to say, this accounts for about half the movie by itself. There is nothing more riveting than watching a camera pan across an empty room for several minutes at a time. It’s an interesting device, just executed poorly.
As the “story” progresses it is revealed that the youngest daughter, Katie, can talk to the ghost and has affectionately named it Toby. This is the most unsettling aspect of the movie, seeing as Katie is generally so nonchalant whenever Toby starts to stir stuff up. Also, kids can be creepy when they want to. Like seriously. Eventually all this converges into an ending that is equally confusing and dumb. I won’t spoil it, but I will say involves a cult of brainwashed old ladies.
Yup.
However, my biggest peeve isn’t even with the movie itself. It’s with the advertising team who continuously decides it is a good idea to both show scenes that are extremely altered from the film, and show the audience’s completely legit, not staged reactions to the movie. The first one is most prominently seen in the memorable Bloody Mary scene. In the trailer it shows the two girls doing it, while in the movie it is Randy and Kristi, and a lot more happens than just some figure standing there. It’s really just a cheap ploy to make the movie seem creepier than it actually is. Same goes with the tagline that “the last 15 minutes will ruin your life!” or whatever is falsely promised to impressionable minds. Spoiler alert: it won’t ruin you and if it does, you have more to worry about than a fictional movie having that much of an impact on you. The reactions are dumb because, while I now know that these people do exist, it’s been used for the past two trailers, as well as countless other movies. At first it was an interesting idea, but at this point it is just a cliché.
As far as problems with the movie itself it boils down to a concoction of glaring plot holes, moments that were cheesier than scary, terrible scene changes, and just general boredom with the film. I realize that the last one might just be me, but considering I was bored half-way through the first movie, after two more that were basically the same thing it stands to reason that I would feel more-or-less the same. Also, I really have to stress how terribly they changed scenes sometimes. On more than one occasion they would switch scenes in the middle of someone talking, which not only baffled me to no end but began to annoy me after the third time. That is not the proper way to keep the movie flowing. Not one bit.
If you enjoyed the previous installments – like was actually glued to the screen the entire time – then you will enjoy this because, as I said, it is the same movie with different characters and scenery. For anyone else who actually likes a coherent plot, this is not the movie to see. Not even as a joke. I wasn’t even the one who paid for my ticket and I wanted a refund. In all seriousness, though, go see anything else. You won’t regret it.
1/5
