Average Happenings 3

I’m gonna get this out of the way right now: Paranormal Activity 3 did not scare me. Sure, I was startled by the jump scares – which is a cheap thrill and nothing more – but the content itself didn’t really freak me out like “Let Me In” or “The Strangers” did. What these movies did right was they introduced something that could actually happen, such as someone hiding in your back seat waiting to murder you. PA3, however, needed to outdo itself since normal ghosts terrorizing upper class suburban homes just isn’t enough anymore. The result is so over-the-top that I found myself laughing more than screaming (which is more than I can say for other people in the audience).

The “story” this time around is actually kind of multi-layered. The first five minutes shows an expecting couple as they tour their (surprise!) upper class suburban home. In the ensuing avalanche of terrible acting the sister then joins the fray bringing stuff from their dead mother’s home including a box of old video tapes that neither of them remember. By the next scene someone has broken in and stolen only the box of tapes, leaving the couple and audience confused. I’m gonna be honest here, I have absolutely no clue what the point of this whole beginning part is. They never revisit it later, and if the box of tapes got stolen how were they able to splice together the rest of the movie? But don’t worry, the rest of the movie makes about as much sense.

The second layer of this ghoulish parfait is a flashback to a simpler time known as the 1980s. At this point the movie follows the parents of the two sisters shown in the beginning who live in the least 80s-looking house I’ve ever seen. It starts with a birthday party for the older daughter, Kristi. After that the husband continues filming random things because otherwise there wouldn’t be a movie, now would there? After an extremely awkward attempt at making a sex tape an earthquake happens in order to save the audience from watching two people wriggle around on each other. But what’s that? There’s some dust floating in the air next to the bed as if IT IS ON SOME SORT OF GHOST! Because…..ghosts are…..solid? I realize that there is no set “rules” for ghosts/spirits/poltergeists/what have you, but I feel as though it’s one of those unspoken rules. Like vampires dying when exposed to sunlight. Oh wait……

Cheap Twilight jabs aside, after this point the stepfather Dennis, with the help of his gruff beard and stoner sidekick Randy, decides to set up cameras around the house to capture all this paranormal activity going on. In other words, it’s the same as the last two movies but with retro-looking cameras, including fan-camera which is literally a camera placed on a rotating fan base so it can observe an entire room. Needless to say, this accounts for about half the movie by itself. There is nothing more riveting than watching a camera pan across an empty room for several minutes at a time. It’s an interesting device, just executed poorly.

As the “story” progresses it is revealed that the youngest daughter, Katie, can talk to the ghost and has affectionately named it Toby. This is the most unsettling aspect of the movie, seeing as Katie is generally so nonchalant whenever Toby starts to stir stuff up. Also, kids can be creepy when they want to. Like seriously. Eventually all this converges into an ending that is equally confusing and dumb. I won’t spoil it, but I will say involves a cult of brainwashed old ladies.

Yup.

However, my biggest peeve isn’t even with the movie itself. It’s with the advertising team who continuously decides it is a good idea to both show scenes that are extremely altered from the film, and show the audience’s completely legit, not staged reactions to the movie. The first one is most prominently seen in the memorable Bloody Mary scene. In the trailer it shows the two girls doing it, while in the movie it is Randy and Kristi, and a lot more happens than just some figure standing there. It’s really just a cheap ploy to make the movie seem creepier than it actually is. Same goes with the tagline that “the last 15 minutes will ruin your life!” or whatever is falsely promised to impressionable minds. Spoiler alert: it won’t ruin you and if it does, you have more to worry about than a fictional movie having that much of an impact on you. The reactions are dumb because, while I now know that these people do exist, it’s been used for the past two trailers, as well as countless other movies. At first it was an interesting idea, but at this point it is just a cliché.  

As far as problems with the movie itself it boils down to a concoction of glaring plot holes, moments that were cheesier than scary, terrible scene changes, and just general boredom with the film. I realize that the last one might just be me, but considering I was bored half-way through the first movie, after two more that were basically the same thing it stands to reason that I would feel more-or-less the same. Also, I really have to stress how terribly they changed scenes sometimes. On more than one occasion they would switch scenes in the middle of someone talking, which not only baffled me to no end but began to annoy me after the third time. That is not the proper way to keep the movie flowing. Not one bit.

If you enjoyed the previous installments – like was actually glued to the screen the entire time – then you will enjoy this because, as I said, it is the same movie with different characters and scenery. For anyone else who actually likes a coherent plot, this is not the movie to see. Not even as a joke. I wasn’t even the one who paid for my ticket and I wanted a refund. In all seriousness, though, go see anything else. You won’t regret it.

1/5

Press X to Caesar!

   

    With a bad taste still in my mouth from the crapfest that was Tim Burton’s reimagining of Planet of the Apes, I begrudgingly went and saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes (hereafter referred to as “Rise” because, come on) after my friends more or less dragged me in. When I first heard about this movie I was not interested in it at all. Even after seeing a couple trailers and learning that James Franco was the lead my interest became only mildly piqued; nowhere near enough to actively want to see it, though.

    After viewing it, my opinion has not changed.

    Let me get this out of the way, Rise is not a bad movie by any means. The CGI monkeys are leaps and bounds better than those hideous monsters in Burton’s movie, and as always James Franco delivers a top-notch performance. The problem that I had most with this movie is that I was mislead by just about everything I had seen about it. That, and the ending, which I will get into later.  

     Before going any further, I’d like to give props to Tom Felton for breaking out of his Harry Potter bubble in order to play a role that is basically an American Malfoy. I was honestly expecting him to say “My father will hear about this one, Caesar!” at one point and was more than a little disappointed when he didn’t. Not to say he didn't do a good job, it's just too bad he's stuck in the same role. Here’s to many more years of typecasting, Tom. Cheers 

    For those of you who don’t know, Rise follows Will Rodman (James Franco) who is a scientist in the Genisys facility, located in San Francisco, where they use monkeys to test experimental drugs. The new drug that Will is testing is one that repairs the brain and improves brain functions; in other words, the cure for Alzheimer's. After the project gets shut down, Will sneaks home a baby monkey that is the offspring of one of the monkeys injected with the drug. Before long it is obvious that this is no ordinary monkey as its intelligence increases rapidly. Will names it Caesar and treats it as though it were his own kid. Before long shenanigans take place and Caesar is taken to a humane society for monkeys and apes. It is here that he begins planning his escape.

    Watching the trailers I was promised a Summer blockbuster about apes and various other species of monkey trying to take over the planet by attacking the humans who have been mistreating them using makeshift weapons, and...... is that the Golden Gate Bridge they’re attacking? Sure is.

    The movie itself, however, tells quite a different story. The best way I can describe it is that the movie is sort of split into two acts: Act I is Will and Ceasar’s Happy Funtime Adventures while the much darker Act II could be called The Ape Escape. As implied by the title, not a whole lot of rising happens in Act I. In fact, it takes an entire 30 minutes for something involving monkeys attacking humans to happen (after the intro, that is). At this point I was still sympathetic because the movie was veering away from its mindless action movie counterparts in that it was giving reasons to care about the characters. It was avoiding the age-old mistake that dooms so many other movies. However, after another 30 minutes of no rising, my patience was being tried. It isn't until Act II gets into full gear that things start to pick up.


    The point I’m trying to make here is that there is way too much buildup into a very short climatic battle. There is probably a maximum of about 15 minutes in which the apes actually attack the city. However, the trailers promised that this would be a major part of the movie, which is what it should have been. Those 15 minutes are probably the best of the movie. While there is a lot of nit-picky stuff I could get into about the battle, I won’t because it was that awesome.


From here on is where I complain about the ending, so skip to the end unless you like spoilers!


    The high I felt coming off of the battle was soon squashed, though, since it turns out that this movie isn’t even about the planet being taken over. That’s right, the movie titled Rise of the Planet of the Apes does not show the planet being taken over by apes. In fact, it doesn’t even show San Francisco being taken over by apes. It shows the freaking Redwood Forest being taken over by apes. I really hope you can understand where I’m coming from at this point. The only indication we get that the planet will eventually get taken over is DURING THE CREDITS when it shows the spread of a virus that kills humans and makes monkeys and apes smarter. Again, quite a few nit-picky things I could mention, but won’t, although for different reasons.

    Now, this could all be a setup for a sequel, which I really, truly, honestly hope it is. Much like the eventual I Am Number 4 sequel, it wouldn’t have to worry about backstory and lengthy exposition and simply focus on the more exciting aspects. In the event that this is a standalone, though, it is a movie called Rise of the Planet of the Apes in which a bunch of apes take over the Redwood Forest and then call it good. Just thought I’d reiterate that.


End Spoilers!



    My final thought is this: see the movie for yourself, just don’t expect to see the movie that the previews portray. As I said, it is by no means a bad movie, it just wasn’t the movie it could have or should have been.

3/5

Rethinking With Portals

If testing is Portal 2's business, then business is very, very good. Almost four years after the original's release, and thousands of overdone "The cake is a lie" jokes later, a full-fledged sequel has been released and it does not disappoint. Developer Valve has taken everything that made the first game such a success and expanded it ten-fold creating an experience that is both familiar and new at the same time. 

One of the biggest things that has been expanded on is the story, which actually has some substance to it. You still play as Chell, the protagonist from the first game, however this time around you have a companion with you. The British robot, Wheatly, accompanies you through the now-overgrown Aperture labs which have become broken-down in the years since the first game. The narrative that ensues is very well done. It is paced very well and is interesting enough to make you want to continue. The classic Portal humor is also very apparent in the sequel, where almost every bit of dialogue is hilarious. Kudos to the writers for being able to put together such a consistently funny script. It helps that there are voice actors such as Stephen Merchant and J. K. Simmons who both provide excellent performances in their roles as Wheatley and Aperture's former CEO Cave Johnson, respectively.

    A few new features have been added to spice up the various puzzles. The two biggest additions are gels and lasers. There are three different types of gels - blue, orange, and white - and each one adds a new element to the puzzle solving. The blue gel acts like a trampoline, making you jump very high. The orange gel is a booster causing you to run at roadrunner-like speeds in order to jump over gaps or get from place to place faster. Finally, the white gel allows you to place a portal wherever it has touched a surface. I found that the puzzles that included these elements were the most fun ones in the game. The other feature, lasers, have come to replace those pesky balls of energy that had a bad habit of killing you if you weren’t paying attention. Along with them there is also a new type of block, one with mirrors on all sides used to redirect the lasers. These are used to get the laser into a pedestal of sorts that opens the exit door or moves a platform. While the concept is simple, when combined with everything else this element can cause the most problems. These, along with a few other surprises, add a fun twist on the portaling that occurs.

    However, single-player is only half the game this time around. There is also a co-op mode where you and a friend take control of two testing robots and work together to solve puzzles. There is very little story in this section, but the puzzles more than make up for this. Since there are now two minds working together, some of the puzzles become deviously difficult. There was one puzzle that my friend and I spent almost an hour and a half on, and for good reason. Many of the puzzles force you to think way outside the box and will strain that large muscle in your head. The satisfaction felt after completing one of these puzzles, though, is immense and many high-fives were had after a particularly hard one. Aside from that, it is also a lot of fun to sabotage your teammate whenever the opportunity arises. Just remember that the person you dropped into the death-water is sitting right next to you and may retaliate.

    Alas, even great things have their flaws, and Portal 2 is no exception. The biggest problem that I found with the game as a whole, and it is a pretty big one, is that the single player is just too easy. Now I’m not trying to brag about my intellect, but I really only found two or three puzzles that I had to spend more than ten minutes on. It seems as though the developers decided to sacrifice challenge for narrative, which should never happen. There are some fun puzzles, but there are stretches of the game that just feel bland because of the lack of difficulty. Rather than building the story around the gameplay, Valve did just the opposite. There are some cool moments in the story, especially the ending, but overall it feels just a bit lackluster. On the flip side, the co-op is perfect in this sense. There is still a story, but it focuses more on the quality of the puzzles which creates an overall better experience. Most of the puzzles are challenging, without being frustratingly so. Another problem with the game is that there is almost no replayability. The beauty of the first game is that, despite knowing all the solutions, it was still fun to play through multiple times if you wanted to kill an hour or two. With the extended campaign of this one it is rather difficult to capture that same type of enjoyment, and even co-op suffers in this field. If you play with someone who has never played before after you complete all the levels, it frustrates both parties since you don’t want to wait around for the other person to find the solution, and the other person wants to be able to work it out themselves. The co-op is a type of experience that, while nearly perfectly executed, was never really meant to be revisited after completion.

    Despite all this, Portal 2 is definitely a game worth playing. Because of the near-nonexistent replayability factor I would recommend renting it, if possible, or waiting to find it for cheaper than full retail. Overall you will get about eight or nine hours out of the campaign, and another seven from the co-op. This is by no means a bad game, it just could have been quite a bit better. Hopefully for the potential third installment Valve will deliver something that excels on all fronts.

8.5/10

Beginning of the End

     Spring, a time for flowers blooming, bees buzzing, birds chirping, and...heads popping? That’s right, this year Spring comes with the Gears of War 3 Beta, a highly anticipated event for anyone who has played the previous two installments. Starting on April 15th and running until May 15th, thousands of people across the world will be participating in order to vastly improve the Gears 3 multiplayer when the full game is released on September 20th. There are four maps and three gametypes available, each offering a different experience. 

    The new maps - Thrashball, Checkout, Trenches, and Old Town - stick to the traditional Gears style of having plenty of cover to dodge and weave around. However, each one also offers its share of narrow, open passages where plenty of close-quarter combat takes place. The three gametypes, while based off of the old styles, have been redone to offer a new style of play. There is the traditional Team Deathmatch, but this time with a twist. Each team has a pool of lives that each member shares. When it runs out each team member has one more life before they are out for the rest of the round. King of the Hill also makes a debut, where each team strives to take control of a ring that moves every minute or so. There are unlimited respawns and points are awarded for capturing and “breaking” the ring. Finally, there is Capture the Leader, a combination of Guardian and Submission from the previous game. Each team has a leader which the other team must down and then hold for 30 seconds. However, whenever the leader is dropped the time resets, adding a bit of challenge. 

    As far as the actual gameplay goes, anybody who has played a Gears of War game will be right at home. Epic Games has kept all the elements that make the game what it is, but this time around it feels a lot more fast-paced. Because of the unlimited respawns, the action is almost constant and there is barely time to take a breath. This is definitely a far cry from the original game where each person had only one life per round. One thing that could use an upgrade, though, is the spawning system. Countless times I have spawned either right next to an enemy, or an entire team spawned right behind me as I was leaving. As you might imagine this can lead to quite a bit of frustration, especially during a close match.

The new weapons also add a refreshing spin on the game. The two main additions are the Retro Lancer and the Sawed-off Shotgun, which can both be used as starting weapons. The Retro Lancer, while super inaccurate, is more powerful than its modern counterpart and works best at medium- to close-range. The Sawed-off is a powerhouse in that it is an instant kill if shot extremely close-up. This is balanced by the fact that there is a one-shot clip and the longest reload time of any of the guns. Also, unless you are right in the other player’s face, the gun is practically useless. Other additions include the Digger Launcher, a rocket launcher that burrows underground, the One Shot, a large, bulky sniper rifle that is a one-hit kill, and the Incendiary Grenade, which creates a patch of fire wherever it hits. At this point there is still a bit of tweaking to be done in terms of weapon strength, but it seems as though it is balanced by-and-large. 

Yet another new feature that has been introduced is unlockables. Almost everything, from characters, to weapon skins, to special executions, are unlocked in various ways. So far they seem pretty generic, such as “Play x games of y gametype” or “Get x kills with y weapon” but it is a little something extra to keep players interested for even longer. There are also medals that players can earn by achieving certain things in-game. Things like healing teammates 50 times or getting a particular amount of headshots will unlock the medal and a title to be displayed next to your name. Each medal has four levels to it, with the requirement for each level increasing exponentially. In the Beta the unlockables are a bit on the skimpy side, but that will no doubt improve with the final release. At this point it all works quite well and it will be interesting to see what Epic does with it.

So far, the best thing I can say about the Gears Beta is that it is very promising. Epic made a very good decision in delaying the game to do this, especially with the problems the Gears 2 multiplayer had at launch. Not only does it allow for the gameplay to be tweaked and balanced, but it also creates even more hype for the game when it is finally released. If the Beta is any sort of reflection on what the final game will be like, then it will most definitely do the series justice.